Some people believe affairs start when we start complaining to our friends-that’s not true. I actually do not believe affairs start when we communicate our complaints to our outside network of friends, family and/or colleagues. Emotional affairs often start from unmet needs at home. This can happen a couple of ways. The majority of couples I see who have engaged in affairs have stated they verbally have expressed their needs and desires to their partner many times. These conversations may start off physically, such as a hug, rub on the back, kiss on the cheek and they are rejected by their uninterested spouse. Then the partner may verbally state their unhappiness in the relationship and what they would like to see change-which also goes unheard. This is the most common way that emotional affairs start. The partner may then express their displeasure in their marriage to a friend, then goes to seek attention elsewhere.  This process can last for months or even years before an emotional affair begins.

Another way emotional affairs start is when couples are not intentional about their connectedness. Marriages can go downhill easily when the needs are directed in all areas besides the marriage. These areas could be children, work, school, bills, etc. One or both partners naturally gravitate towards those other entities and quietly drift away (emotionally)  from their marriage. Men usually gravitate towards work and providing financially for the family, while women often direct their emotions towards the children and household care. It is important to ensure the marriage stays at the center, to not allow emotional disconnection to stay present-which then leads to possible divorce. 

If you break it down by gender, it appears that women are more upset when their men have the affairs in which they (women) seek and vice versa. For example, women seek connection-thus why their affairs are more emotionally based. Men often don’t seek emotional connections outside the home-it’s mainly sex. Therefore, men are more upset when their wives have sexual affairs than emotional affairs and women are more upset when their husbands seek emotional affairs than sexual ones. There could be a logical (for lack of better words) reasoning behind this. Stay with me….

I’ve been reading a book on infidelity and the author made a statement that raised an eyebrow. She stated “men seek love through sex and women seek sex through love.” Now, this is a whole ‘nother blog post! For those of you who don’t get my ebonics…it will take another blog post to break this down. Anywho, tell me your thoughts below.. and don’t forget to share with a friend, or your spouse.